A Journey Through the Lenses of Autistic Adulthood: Significant Memories and Insights

Introduction to Autistic Adulthood

Exploring the unique perspective of autism as an adult can be a profound and sometimes challenging journey. One such individual shares their experience, remembering significant moments that shaped their understanding of themselves and their family.

Childhood Memories and Their Traumas

For many individuals on the autism spectrum, childhood memories can be complex and sometimes marked by misunderstandings and harsh judgments from caregivers. This account provides a poignant look into the memories of an adult with autism, highlighting the impact of parental behavior and negative societal reactions on a child’s developing self-esteem and sense of belonging.

As an Autistic Adult Reflecting on Their Past

During my junior school days, mornings began with school assembly in the hall. We would listen to the headmistress’s address, followed by a small prayer and the sharing of the Word, concluding with a couple of hymns from the Anglican hymn book. For me, these activities were often met with a sense of boredom, as my mind often wandered elsewhere. On one occasion, I became preoccupied with the adhesive inner cover of the hymn book. In my contemplative boredom, I started peeling it and arranging the pieces in neat piles. Not surprisingly, I forgot to clean them up after the assembly.

The Impact of a Shaming Experience

When I arrived on the verandah after school, my father was waiting for me, his hands behind his back, and a scowl on his face. He had received a concerning call from my teacher, who had questioned if I was “normal” because I had left the papers on the floor. He was furious and punished me by keeping me in my room for the rest of the day, a punishment I believed to be unjustified. My father had a penchant for shaming me for my non-compliant behavior, which further eroded my self-esteem.

The Role of Narcissistic Parents

The memories of these events, coupled with my younger brother’s experiences, shed light on the role of narcissistic parents in shaping the lives of their children. My younger brother, who is more autistic than I am, faced severe bullying in school, partially because we were of Afrikaans heritage in an English colonial society. He struggled to overcome the emotional and academic challenges, and his stammering since age five did not help. My father, renowned for his intimidation and pressure to perform, pushed my brother to succeed, sometimes at the cost of his well-being.

Family Dynamics and Academic Achievements

My brother, despite facing numerous obstacles, achieved remarkable academic success. He excelled in school, with a high IQ and joining Mensa. He eventually pursued a medical education, specializing in pediatrics, anesthetics, and emergency services. However, due to his autistic immaturity, my brother faced difficulties during his course. He ended up repeating a year, a fact that my father did not relate to his autistic struggles. My father’s disappointment only fueled his frustration and the deep emotional pain.

Good Times and Adulthood

Despite the adversities, there were moments of joy and happiness. One such instance was when my father bought me a Supersonic transistor radio. The memory of that day and the subsequent misfortune of the radio being broken by my brother remains vivid. Despite my parents’ dismissal, I understand that it was a form of love and indulgence from my father, who spoiled me with such gifts.

Adult Life and Reflections

In my adult years, I married, but my brother remained with the family. One day, during a fishing trip in Durban harbor, my husband and father were signaling the incoming big boats, instructing smaller craft to move out of the way. However, my father and my husband, just as my brother, were engrossed in their own activities. My father’s frustration stemmed from my brother’s reading of an old newspaper, which had caused them no progress in their trip. This memory highlights the lasting emotional and behavioral patterns influenced by growing up in a family with a narcissistic parent.

Reflecting on the Journey

Today, I have no true friends, though my brother has managed to form two genuine relationships throughout his life. My journey through autism as an adult has been filled with challenges and insights, shaping my worldview and understanding of myself and others.