Understanding BPD: The Fear of Abandonment v. The Fear of Abandoning

Introduction to BPD and Misconceptions

There is a common misunderstanding among those discussing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) that individuals with BPD discard and use people indiscriminately. Many posts online suggest that people with BPD act like those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), who are accused of discarding people without a second thought. However, this is a myth. Those with BPD do experience clinginess, but they also fear abandonment intensely. This fear often leads them to leave relationships before they are abandoned emotionally, which they perceive as a way to protect themselves.

The Impact of Trauma on BPD

People with BPD have profound fears of both abandoning and being abandoned, which can lead to what feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. For instance, the belief that one does not deserve to be loved, or that they are not good enough, can trigger erratic behavior which then confirms those fears. Although individuals with BPD may cause issues in relationships, their intentions often stem from a desperate need to avoid the pain of abandonment rather than to manipulate or use others.

Comparing BPD and NPD

Both Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders are distinct and complex. People with BPD are often driven by a fear of being abandoned, which may lead to rapid leaving or distancing behaviors. On the other hand, individuals with NPD tend to discard relationships premeditatively and with cool calculation, purely for personal gain. The emotional experience of BPD is often intense and overwhelming, while those with NPD exhibit a lack of genuine emotional connection.

Self-Soothing and the Urgency of Avoiding Abandonment

People with BPD do not simply fear abandonment; they fear the pain of abandonment itself. They have developed various coping mechanisms to quickly detach from relationships, ranging from delusions to a lack of object constancy. This 'letting go' is not merely a selfish act but a survival mechanism. By leaving before abandonment occurs, they might avoid the deep emotional pain and the certainty of the traumatic experience of abandonment. For those with BPD, being alone is not merely a fear, but an existential threat.

Examples of BPD Behavior

Take the case of someone with BPD, often referred to as a 'pBPD' (Person with BPD), who may justify their actions by stating that they fear abandonment but do not believe they will abandon others. Yet, when triggered, even minor events can ignite their fear, as they may unknowingly believe that something will eventually lead to them being abandoned. For instance, your partner might insist that they do not fear abandonment but will suddenly leave when faced with a minor issue, often making it seem like a premeditated decision.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the behavior of people with BPD cannot be generalized as simply discarding relationships. Instead, their actions are driven by a deep-seated fear of abandonment, a trauma deeply rooted in early childhood experiences. People with BPD are often more in need of support and understanding than judgment. Their struggle is magnified by the fear that, at any moment, they may be left alone, which is internally perceived as a form of death. Understanding and compassion are key to helping those with BPD navigate their complex emotional landscapes.