Why Does Marriage Seem So Suffocating?

Marriage, often heralded as a bond of love, respect, and understanding, can sometimes turn into a prison of abuse and neglect. Many individuals, like yourself, find themselves in marriages that feel suffocating. If you're experiencing a marriage where there is no love, respect, and understanding, and where the atmosphere is filled with recriminations, abuse, and neglect, you are not alone. Here, we will explore the reasons behind this sense of suffocation and offer some insights.

The Nature of Marriage

There is an inescapable reality that some marriages can indeed become suffocating. One reason could be that due to various societal and cultural pressures, marriages have become a one-way business arrangement, with expectations of perpetual love and understanding. However, as society evolves and becomes more complex, marriages must evolve as well. It is not uncommon for individuals to find themselves in marriages that feel oppressive and devoid of the affection and support they need.

Possibly Because You Are “Doing It Wrong”

According to Kahlil Gibran, a profound poet, marriage is not a one-way street. He believed that true partnership involves understanding, acceptance, and growth. Therefore, if you feel suffocated, it might be due to the way your marriage is structured or the way it is being managed. Kahlil Gibran’s advice can guide you to seek a balance and mutual understanding in your relationship. Consider the following:

“Until you newsletters to 1000 subscribers, your wisdom is nothing but childish comprehension. Don’t express your wisdom unto any more than one after you have written 100,000 articles. Until you have written 1,000,000 articles, your wisdom is like the wisdom of a child.”

- Kahlil Gibran

This quote emphasizes the importance of communication and understanding in any relationship. You need to have open conversations about your needs, desires, and boundaries. This can help create a balanced and healthy environment.

The Suppressed Needs and Expectations

Marriage requires a partnership where both individuals meet each other’s needs and fulfill their expectations. Some people marry expecting the advantages of the single life while looking for the responsibilities of a shared life. This mismatch can lead to feelings of suffocation. People need to be willing to compromise and grow together, not remain stagnant. As your daughter grows, observe her environment and ensure that she is surrounded by a nurturing and supportive community. This can be a crucial factor in her well-being.

The Role of the Bible in Marriage

There are believers who find solace in the Bible. In 2 Timothy 3:1-5, God warns about how those in the last days may act. However, it is important to interpret these verses in a way that aligns with love and compassion rather than condemnation. God’s goal is to help those who read the Bible understand His love and support. Therefore, if you feel suffocated due to abusive or neglectful behavior, it is crucial to seek help and support. The Bible can offer comfort and guidance, but it is also important to seek professional help.

Marriage as a Social Contract

Another reason for the suffocating nature of marriage is the social and legal framework surrounding it. Marriages are often governed by specific expectations and responsibilities, which can sometimes feel restrictive. This can create a sense of suffocation. It is important to remember that marriage is a social contract, and both partners have the right and responsibility to ensure that the contract is fair and mutually beneficial.

Counselling and Support

To address the suffocating nature of your marriage, consider seeking professional counselling. Many couples benefit from discussing their issues and expectations in a safe and neutral environment. This can help them understand each other better and work towards a more fulfilling relationship. Remember, you are not alone in this, and there is no shame in seeking help.

A Real-Life Example

On Valentine's Day 2000, during my radio program, I addressed the topic of marriage from two perspectives: the traditional view of two hearts beating as one and the practical perspective of avoiding the trauma of divorce. My guest, an Anglican minister, introduced a rule requiring couples to attend a counselling session before getting married. This approach helped many couples discover their differences and expectations, leading to either breaking up or having a clearer understanding of their marriage.

It's true that marriage can be challenging, but it doesn't have to be suffocating. With open communication, understanding, and professional help, you can find a way to make your marriage a comfortable and supportive environment.

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Conclusion: If you find yourself in a marriage that feels suffocating, it might be time to reassess the dynamics and seek help. Remember, God's love and support are available, and you have the right to a healthy and fulfilling relationship.